What is Healthy Parenting?
Hello Friends…
Do you ever lay in bed and wonder, what even is healthy parenting? We’re raising kids in a time when we hear over and over again that we need to meet our children with more empathy, validation, and steadiness. But at the same time, we also live in a time where disrespect, back-talk, and defiance are out of control in so many homes. So, what’s the balance?
I recently led my dad workshop. The men who participated were not only full of wisdom, but they were also courageous enough to share their vulnerable thoughts about how it feels to parent adolescents in 2024. One dad summed up the parenting conundrum perfectly. He said, “On the one hand, I worry we’re being too gentle. Shouldn’t my directions be honored rather than argued? I didn’t question my parents nearly as much as I get questioned. But then on the other hand, don’t we want our kids to question things and be critical thinkers? We don’t want them to just blindly obey and grow too afraid to speak their truth. Then again, don’t we want our kids to be respectful, and dare I say, at least a little bit obedient to us as parents?”
I wish I had the magic solution for this dilemma, but I certainly find myself stuck in it, too. I want my kids to figure things out on their own and hold themselves accountable, but I also catch myself worrying about what types of adults they’ll become if I don’t nag them to pickup their wet towels or turn off the lights. Will they be terrible roommates or partners? Are they going to be slobs forever??
Do you sense the catastrophic thinking in my words? Yes, that’s what we all do when we worry. And yet, when I’m calm and resourced, I’m able to remember that their non-adult brains are still massively changing. It’s my job to be their consultant, their ultimate influencer, and the voice of reason while they’re learning and growing. Now, if you can strike that perfect balance of warmth and healthy reflection, while also holding them accountable, while also being gentle with them as they’re still developing, while also creating situations that build resilience and grit, while also NOT being achievement-focused… OY F’ing VEY. Exhale, giggle and shake it off! That is a TALL order.
Rest assured, even if you’re mindful in doing just one of those things I mentioned above, you’re already a black-diamond parent. I know you’re trying your best, and that goes a long way.
Remind yourself that you’re not always going to get it right, and that’s okay. Remind yourself that it’s our job to act as a substitute for the frontal lobe part of their brains - to help them think and act in ways that they’re not developmentally able to figure out on their own yet. And just like any substitute teacher, there’s a learning curve. We must be patient and kind and meet them where they are, while also holding a line so things don’t get out of hand. Where that line lands will look different for every parent, and is entirely up to what feels right to you. I encourage you to explore that each week (because it will change.) Where is your line? Where would you like it to be? Where do you feel it needs to be?
The last thing I’ll say is that regardless of your parenting style (there are a million ways to do it well, as you’ve heard me say before,) the goal at the end of the day is connection. How can you stay in their world and keep the door to their hearts wide open?
I do happen to have a lot of really cool and effective tools to offer when it comes to that magic connection. If you’re interested in private work, I’ve got space open for new parents in my practice now! (zoom and in-person). If you’re a mom craving group work with your daughter or child who identifies as she/her, check out my last offering of 2024. It’s special one…you don’t wanna miss it.
When we lean in and trust in the connection, the worry and the need to get it just right starts to dissipate. And through it all, please remember that you don’t have to go through any of this alone.
PS: I want to share about a wonderful school in Boulder: Boulder Country Day (Preschool-8th grade). I have the privilege regularly to talk to this community of parents and I am consistently impressed by their staff and parent body. On November 13th they will be having a preview day from 9-11am. If you are considering schools right now, this is one you will absolutely want to check out.
With love and respect,
Deb
