Paying Attention to Your Kid's Capacity for Intimacy

I love family ski trips.

They’ve always been my absolute favorite. It’s a time to connect with each other, disappear from the world, play games together, and enjoy the outdoors. Of course when my kids were young, these trips required massive amounts of patience, lots of tears, cold hands and toes, and a pocketful of gummy bears for bribery.

But even with all of that, it was where I’ve always felt fully at peace.

Recently, I had a strong urge for one of these family ski trips. Nowadays, my kids would rather ski with their friends, so these types of family trips don’t happen as frequently.

But this one felt important to me. I was really craving some quality family time. I fantasized about all of us being completely screen free, spending every waking second together, and  sharing all our deepest hopes and dreams with each other. I’m kidding. Sort of. But, I was very attached to an agenda, which is a dangerous place to be as a parent.

Of course, after only half an hour into the car ride, I looked into the review mirror and saw everyone already on their screens and in their own worlds. I knew right then that this trip wasn’t going to go according to my agenda. And so, I also looked into my metaphorical mirror and had a little chat with myself.

I told myself the same thing I tell my clients and participants over and over again:

Be present, don’t be attached to an outcome, and create a safe place for them to land.

That gentle self-reminder helped me let go of my agenda. To be clear, I didn’t lose my intent or request to connect with my family, but I kept the phrase in the back of my head: Be present, don’t be attached to an outcome, and create a safe place for them to land.

And with that, I started to notice something I really hadn’t before. As humans, we each have our own maximum capacity for interactions and stimulations. So often, we forget that each family member is an individual with their own totally unique limits.

Once I really paid attention, I began to see everyone’s little “tells” for when they were just done. What each family member would do outwardly to indicate they needed a break. Wiggling in their chair. Or going to the bathroom for longer than was needed. Or, of course, the notorious teenage eye-rolls.

Instead of getting frustrated by these moments like I might have otherwise, I instead got curious.

Once I was able to recognize the little signs each person would show when they met their limit, I would gently whisper to them, “do you need a break?” Whether we were sitting on the couch and just hanging out, or snowboarding on the hill, I really tried to honor what they were nonverbally asking for.

And wow! What a difference it made! I don’t think we realize just how much our kids push through in order to try to please us as parents.  By giving them permission to take a break when they needed one, I was demonstrating that I really saw them. And with that simple gesture, our family flow shifted for the better.

When we feel seen and honored in what we need, our nervous systems can relax. We can feel safer. Each time I quietly asked my kids if they needed to take some space, they’d smile and exhale. Their shoulders would relax as the burden of expectation was lifted off of them. The fights decreased and the moments of connection were stronger.

I share this with you, along with an invitation to practice paying attention to your kids’ limits next time you’re having some “required” family time. Honor their need to disengage when you’re able to. Yes, of course it’s a balancing act - just like every other aspect of parenting.

And remember, your kids are on their journey of learning self-awareness, so they may not have the skills yet to say, “I need some space.” But when we can name it for them, we are not only creating an environment where they feel seen and supported. We’re also modeling healthy communication and personal responsibility.

I’m so grateful for our ever-evolving family ski trips, and for the constant reminder:

Be present, don’t be attached to an outcome, and create a safe place for them to land.