Hot to the touch...

Hello Friends..

I had a great time visiting my family back East last month. During my stay, my mom handed me a big box full of all the journals from my adolescence. Talk about a gift! To be honest, I don’t really remember keeping consistent journals growing up. At least not cohesive ones. I recall scribbling things down sporadically in those moments when I felt alone, scared, disgruntled, insecure, and all the other emotions that are common place for adolescents.

Well as it turns out, I must have felt those types of emotions a lot ( par for the course for adolescents) because I certainly wrote more in my journals than I realized.

I randomly pulled out a notebook authored by my 13-year old self, and tentatively started reading. Her words were full of angst, humor, self-criticism, the early flavors of body dysmorphia, friend dynamics, and first crushes. Yes, there were plenty of cringy moments. But as I heard my 8th grade voice in those words, I felt an intense amount of self-compassion and love for this confused, beautiful, explorative teenage girl who was just trying to make sense of her world. And yes, she was all over the place. She was strong. She was lonely. She was funny! She was insecure and confident at the same time. She was so beautifully complex. And she turned out okay. :)

Being gifted those old journals couldn’t have come at a more perfect time as my own baby just wrapped up her 8th grade year. Even with a generation dividing us, she’s currently echoing what my younger self was feeling and going through at the same age. What a reflection of how unstable and uncertain this time of life can feel. What a reminder to trust in the adolescent process. To trust my own capability to be a gentle observer and guide as she’s on her journey. To trust that she can work her way through it all the same way I did when I was her age. And to trust that she can do it without me meddling and tangling up in her.

Untangle. I love the visual that brings. Lisa Demour brought that word to life in her 2016 book, UNTANGLED (which I highly recommend for parents of daughters and those who identify as she/her!)

As parents, it’s easy to get wrapped up in our children. At times, we can get so entangled in their lives that we shadow their full glory. We worry about the things they worry about. We shine when they shine, and dim when they dim. Our heart strings tangle around their heartstrings the same way we use to tangle ourselves up in those old telephone cords back in the day (you know what I’m talking about.) When we’re tangled up like that, it’s impossible to see our children clearly or to view them as independent beings on their own personal journeys.

Now imagine the freedom you would feel when you’d twirl the other direction and let that phone cord unwrap from your body. The cord doesn’t break, of course. It just separates in a clean, strong way. Visualize doing the same with your child. Picture slowly untangling those heart cords to give a little bit of distance between you and them. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a bit deeper.

When we create that distance from them, it gives us permission to see our kiddos more clearly without getting caught up in the web of their emotions, needs, moods, quirks, and pains. It gives us compassion to know them as the young and messy humans that they are. They are resilient and capable and complex and awkward and powerful. They have their own opinions and personalities, just like we each did when we were their same age.

So, as we sit in the heat and wild heart of summer, feeling time pass too fast and watching our families cycle through feelings, moods, and experiences just as quickly, I invite you to check yourself. How does the “tangle” with your children feel? If you’re having a moment of being a little too close to their inner world, think back to your own adolescence.

Love on that younger version of yourself with all your heart, and remember that they made it through those sticky years okay just like your child will.

Pause (yes, my favorite word) and intentionally untangle yourself from their experience. Picture those powerful and strong heart strings acting in a more productive way full of trust, perspective, and grounding. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but you know from recalling your own adolescent experience that you can do hard things!

And if you find a good visualization for that untangling process, I would love to hear about it and to share it with others. After all, we’re all in this together and there’s nothing more productive than collective wisdom.

Cheers to enjoying the wild heart of summer!

With love and respect,

Deb

PS. Check out my Fall offerings! I have lots of choices so hopefully you’ll find something that works for you. Email me with any questions.